Most of my life I’ve never been much of a gambler because I always hate losing money, like most people do. Usually when I go out to the local casino it’s for fine dining. However, in April, I got on a baccarat table after asking a dealer which game has the best odds. I won nearly a grand in around twenty minutes off 100 bucks and then I left. I went back a few times the same month and won most of the time but one day I ended up giving all the money back. I went again in early May, won 120 bucks off 80 bucks and then I left. Between May and June 8th, I’d won about a grand off the casino, so I got all the money back by taking between $200-$250 on four or five visits and then leaving. Then last night I got compulsive again. They got me for $500. Then I drew out $1000 and they took that. Then I got out my last $100 and I actually got up to $600 with that and I should have left because that $600 was my money. The $1000 I gave them was money I’d taken from them over a month. I kept playing though until they took the $600. So, many probably wouldn’t consider that a huge loss but it still sucks when you know that you would have been ahead on all of your bills. It’s not something I can’t recover from but what has me depressed and anxious is how little control I had over myself. It feels like what’s called dissociative disorder. People who have that disorder sometimes feel like they’re watching someone else do something as opposed to doing it themselves. Anyone can dissociate, actually. After I drove home last night, totally crushed, my sense of reason slowly came back to me, too little too late. I felt so bad that I called Gamblers Anonymous and they gave me the phone number to a meeting but it was kind of unhelpful. Seems like every time I tried to talk and give my testimony, someone would talk over me and start their story. I guess that’s partly why I’m here. It just feels nice to vent to people who can relate to what you’re going through.

On the bright side, I did pay all of my bills before I went to the casino and I’m starting to feel less like a failure. When you lose, you often feel so bad that you forget it’s designed for you to lose. I just hope this is the worst that it gets for me and I hope that I get help before it turns into a full blown and regular problem. Thank you all for reading my rant.