Hello and thank you for taking time to read my journal. I currently suffer from a very very strong addiction to poker . I’m usually good on any other forms of gambling but poker seems to have caught my attention because the game has life time winners involved and requires some skill to be a winner over all thus hooking me in . I started playing poker about two – three years ago and it seemed like a small harmless game I’d play with my friends and fellow soldiers in the army . After while I became to actually like the game and would consistently win profits against my friends when we played . But when I moved away from the duty station the poker stopped but I still had a strong desire to play. I eventually found my fix at a poker room near base and began the deeper and darker portion of my poker addiction . While the amounts of money I was losing were small in comparing to other lifetime gamblers I still was losing more than I’d like to lose in a game that was not giving me any return. I began to watch videos read poker forums and even buy books all to try to get better . I believe this always gave me more incentive to come back because I while I did see increase in performance on the table I never seemed to be able to successfully walk away with a profit in the long run. Eventually I was sent overseas for deployment and I was unable to curb my poker fix . Only able to participate in free tournaments once week against very inexperienced players and for low amounts of reward money . Eventually it was brought to my attention that I could play online on my phone . I was extremely happy I couldn’t wait to play . I’d saved so much money in the two months of my deployment that I had no problems wasting a little bit of it . But little did know this was the beginning of a long and treacherous journey. My amounts began at 60 dollars and so on so fourth but the more videos I watched the more I tried to reenact what the pros did which meant buying in for the maximum to increase maximum profits , but instead of increasing my profits I only increased my losses . Eventually I came to realization that just like most other popular ways of gambling I was eventually going to still lose and I decided to stop . This was okay up until about a month later while watching a favorite poker vlogger of mine mention he ran an online poker group . This once again peeled my interest because now I could play whenever . Vs with my previous group I’d have to wake up in the middle night just to win today lose tomorrow or lose tomorrow and lose again the next day. Even still I’d been still saving some of my money and I wasn’t actuly depressed my loses were very recoverable and would take less than 3 months to recoup with the very simple and very attainable plan I’d put in place . I started to my results skyrocket once I’d actually took time to learn the fundamental game and I actually made a profit consistently. The problem however came to withdrawing my money back into my bank account . I never truly knew how critical this was until I saw how much incentive I had to play seeing thousands of dollars I’d grinded up from just 75 dollar buy ins. I knew I was a good poker player but I did not and still do not have true discipline to leave while I’m ahead and to give my self a chance to actually enjoy the fruits of my labor from essentially working 11 hour poker shifts. Still this cycle went on until one day I was introduced to a much higher variant of game that I was used to playing . With much bigger money involved faster money but higher risk . Once introduced I really could never go back to the smaller stakes I was used to playing and would consistently win at without having an itch to play the higher variant to chase my next big high. I only came to seek recovery after a suffering a 1500 dollar loss in one night . Something that took me almost a month to save took minutes to spend . This landed me in my first real depression slump . And where I truly think things took a turn for the worst in my life . I began spending my entire check trying to recover my losses but every time I would win I would consistently play all day thinking I could always. Win instead of sleeping sometimes eating thus decreasing my performance . I was never able to actually think as I’d play poker for 16 hrs a straight . This hindered me from being able to respond properly to questions asked to me ultimately destroyed my ability to create and maintain conversation with people and undoubtedly decreased my confidence level . I believe most of problem comes from availability + the factor that I consistently bored . Another reason I believe I am truly not able to stop is the known the fact that single handily blew through what would have been the largest amount of money I’ve ever worked for or had at a time to something I will l never have anything to show for. The fact I know I will never be able to truly recover my losses drives my into what has been diagnosed as depression I suffer from sleep apnea due to multiple attacks I was apart of during my time deployed and the consistent urge to just play off. Of pure boredom and thinking I’m sitting here I could make money today when In reality The money I wasted could have indefinitely given me the boost in confidence I needed to propel me in life . Never have I contemplated taking my own life or even relying on pills to make me artificially happy . This seriously affected my life in so many negative ways and I’m here to make sure I do not relapse I am currantly 4 days clean and need support and tips on how to stay motivated

Thank you