This would have to be my first journal, ever. And forgive me as english isn’t my first language so there would be errors here and there.

I’m not an avid gambler, so I’m unsure if I am even addicted to it. I can stop for a while, a few months or so.. then I get the urge to try my luck.. and then it begins. I win a few, then lose a few,

until it piles up. I leave try to recoup and come back the next day thinking maybe I was just unlucky and having money for another fight gives me a chance to recover my losses.

Then I lose again, and again and again. Until when I’m all dried up and I’m just stuck just staring into space wondering why did I even come here in the first place. I have a decent job,

my pay is above average and yet here I am, back in the casino. 

I would call myself a cheapskate, I would be very careful with what I buy and would hardly splurge on myself. And what brought me to playing was that reason, I did not want to spend my own money 

when buying expensive stuff. Isn’t that weird, here I am avoiding to spendwith my own money and yet when it came to gambling, I lose thousands, thousands that I would be going back and forth for 

several weeks before I even decide to do with it. I have lost more or less $6k within the year and I have just lost $1k just recently. This may not sound a lot for everyone but in a third world country, that is

pretty much are life savings. 

When the losses keep piling, and the world just seems to crumble with every day that is passing.. I start to understand why people break, why they do what they do in times like this.. Coz the pressure builds

and builds, and you try to find a way out, someone to talk to and say you need help. but there is always that fear, that fear of rejection.. shame.. and maybe even disdain from those closest to you.