Hi everyone,

This is my first time here, and after reading a lot of stories I decided to share mine as well. I hope someone will find it helpful. YOU WHO READ, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!

So here it goes… I moved to the UK, about exactly four years ago, and lived there for 3 years. I no longer live there because too many negative things happened while being there, and to be honest found the country very dark. I dont think I will be ever going back there. Now I have moved to Switzerland. I am married and have a beautiful baby daughter. So far so good. So lets get down to it.. Every gambler I think, has a reason, a root of where that evil came. Well if we were all content with life we wouldnt be going compulsive on gambling. I think thats how my mess started.

So not very long before I moved in the UK, I started having anxiety issues, due to the relationship with a longterm girlfriend in that time. It started affecting my selfworth. I had a big love for the girl when I look back now. Not long after I felt she is getting distant I asked her if there is something that I need to know, I would like to know, dont matter how painful it is, because I cant stand the distance, and I am suffering. She has denied anything as affair or whatever, but I still knew there is something, because she was head over heels for me and suddenly big change. I couldnt get the mystery it was eating me .now we were in different countries. I was in UK and she was in the USA.that was all phone talk. I said that I am giving up and cant do it anymore, and there she said she is seeing someone. My stomach got sick, and was sick and not eating for few days, not long after developed insomnia, got on meds for depression and sleeping. it was too much to process. anger?  I acted a bit childish which I felt sorry after. I went on her level, because started calling her ***** and what not.. but deep down I had anger, sadness, love in same time, it was weird. long stoy short, that was it, my heart was broken, my self esteem was bad, I was feeling like am not a man enough, you know. I  would think what kind of man am I, why do I feel so sad, angry, LET IT GO. but when you are broken aint that easy. anyway that passed.

I started filling my emptyness with work, made good money with working a lot, after 2 years I saved around 20 k, thats when I started gambling, I had money, but life doesnt seem very happy. Although I had another relationship with a girl from the UK, didnt work, because of me, I was still healing, and was emotionally drained. Still feeling sorry for that woman, made her look like a toy, although never had the intention, I was just careless. Never even told her why I left her, I just sopped speaking with her. So I find myself a bit of adrenalin, went on few poker tournaments when I was off. Started making accumulators of 10 to 20£… I used to win here and there, I remember winning few times with £10 up to 400, 500.. things started getting messy from here. I opened poker account wishI never had, I still think I wouldnt have lost so much money if it wasnt online poker. Forgot to mention that the cards were my thing though, from the student days. when we played between friend I was good at it, but with growing up you know, I never thought of it as a way of lifestyle or whatsoever. When I opened that poker account it was winter, 2016 Christmas time, city started glowing,German market.. Christmas bells everywhere. I dont know if that was the depression meds that did something, but I started being more and more not myslef, I was in that time even seeing a woman that was engaged and few years older, although very beautiful, but I still think wouldnt had done that in my normal days. After having a night with her, I came home and turned on my laptop and started playing, I had few beers. still playing, going on higher and higher sstakes. I am having two aces and the guy is raising 300, I reraise all in to 600, He has got the two JACKS and me with two ACES. I am loosing as one jack appears on the table.. I was angry and stopped, went to sleep.. the other day I decided to check what have I lost for 1 year gambling, I checked history and started calculating since my gambling started and I was £3500 down for one year, it was a tbit shocking, because I used to place small betts I thought 10 -20 sometimes 30, but i builds up and the money that I actually won, I had put them on again all in one game around 500 , 400.. that knowing and spinning in my head, I started playing poker at work as well on my working computer. I think those sites are a scam, they re manipulating softwares.. I had hands where I would put 1000, or 2000 in one go. I have lost 2000 in one hand on two kings. drinking and gambling , in one month I had no money on my account. I borrowed money for rent, which I got the money back in 2 days, as I got my paycheck. still didnt stop. Went on minus on my credit card, around 500, paid it with next check, then again once I cleared that, I made another debt, and that continued for 3 months , living in misery.. Got my shares from the company gambled them as well, on few hands.. Then I decided thats it, my now dear wife, was my girlfriend in that time and we were supposed to get married but I my account was drained… None ever found out about my compulsive gambling, and to this day none knows about it. Since I stoped gambling early may 2017, I managed to make – save  £15 000 till november, thats in about 7 months time, I bought things, I sold them, worked my**** off, got fired from work because I stole something 200 worth, police came.. they warned me nothing came of it.. I said thats it, its all because of gambling, I would never do that in my days when didnt gamble.. I was always a nice and honest, trustable person now all of sudden I am having trouble with police, stealing.. I mean I became unrecognizable to myself.. Even about me losing my job, I lied to my parents, to my wife, that I have quit. and then started another job , worked for 2-3 months and left the UK, I left the gambling, I left dishonesty.. although I havent told this stoy to anyone that knows me. would like to tell it to my wife, just dont know what day. The more I read about God, the more something is pushing me to tell her this story, years of agony, dishonesty, anger, sadness.. If I dont have the strenght to tell this to anyone close, I hope God forgives me what I have wronged. When the spirit gets dirty thats what we come to.. we run away from the life we are suppose to live, which is very simple according to the bible… but thats the devil doing his job..

Sorry for the long post.

My thoughts go to everyone struggling with this destructive illness, it will make you dirty and unrecognizible to yourslef like it did to me. its not the money only, but relationships also, precious time…

Stay positive, God Bless you

Only God can help us..

Timothy 6:9-10 Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.