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Hi …
first of all sorry for my english, as I don’t live in an english speaking country..
I have written this post in every detail so that I can remind myself what I have done to my life. How beautiful it could have been without gambling…
I don’t know how to start my story…I have been in this forum for 1 year, but I have never written something about me…I always kept reading stories of others…and ofcourse kept gambling my money during this time…
It all started in March 2013. I was leading a normal life. I had a good job in an IT company. I was married since 8 Months. I had a beautiful wife. I had caring parents. I had 8000 Euros savings in my account.
I used to occasionally go to local casinos prior to 2013 with friends and relatives of mine. I used to win and loose small amount of money. It was exciting but I didn’t care about it.
In March 2013 my wife went abroad to visit her parents. I went again to a local casino with a relative and I lost about 200 Euros. I was disturbed. I wanted to have my money back. I went back home and I searched in internet for online casinos. I found one with a good rating and registered myself.
The luck was not on my side and I lost about 600 Euros online. I stopped for 2 days. I deposited again some money and I lost again. I kept playing and depositing money till june 2013. In that period I also won some money back but in total I lost 3000 Euros.
My employer gave me a new project in June 2013. I told to myself If I want to be successful in that project, I have to stop gambling for now but one day I will come back and win all my lost money. I stopped gambling online then. I didn’t play for the next 5 Months.
In November 2013 I changed my job. I wanted to have my job near my appartment so that I can spend more time with my wife. The new job was not that challenging in the beginning. I remembered that I lost 3000 Euros to online casino. I thought this is the time to win back that money.
I deposited another 3000 Euros in online casino and won within 2 days 70000 Euros! My life was changed. I told my wife about that. She was happy but scared to lose it back again. I told her that I won’t gamble again, so now we can lead a very good life. It was a very happy new year 2014.
I didn’t gamble for 2 weeks. I was happy to have that money. But then I wanted to have more. I gambled and I lost 10000 Euros. I told my wife about this. She said don’t gamble again as we have still enough money. In between I lied to my parents that I have won lottery worthing 60000 Euros. They were happy. I told to myself that I want to see them happy and I won’t gamble again.
You guessed it right – I gambled again and again and I lost 20000 Euros more. I still had 40000 Euros from the big win. My wife was out of city that time. My parents were there. I called her, put the phone on speaker and told my parents that I didn’t win that money from lottery but from online betting. They were disappointed. I promised them all that I won’t gamble again.
I didn’t gamble for few weeks. But then I wanted to chase the lost “winnings”. I gambled without telling it to anyone. My family was thinking I have stopped gambling. I gambled and got back to my original winnings of 70000 Euros. I was happy but got greedy and I wanted to touch 100000 and then stopp gambling. I kept gambling and my good luck continued. I touched 100000 Euros within few days.
Meanwhile we had mid of 2014 and my parents were willing to move to another city.
Now… I wanted to turn that 100000 Euros in a huge win so that I can buy a house for my parents. There the downfall started. I kept depositing and losing money. It went on for few months. I told my wife about it. She told me to stop but I kept depositing secretly and losing….from 100000 I only had left 8000 Euros in my bank account. I was back to my original savings.
I told my wife about the downfall. She stood by me. Next day we were going out for a vacation with our friends for a week. She told me that I should forget my losses as it was the money which I originally won. I should start a new life after the vacation. I told my mother about my loss. My father already guessed that I have lost my winnings as I was in a bad mood those days.
The vacation went good but I was disturbed with my loss. I deposited the money left in my bank account in the online casino and lost it all. I had nothing left in my bank account. All because of my greed…My parents moved meanwhile to another city and I had nothing to give them.
I wish I had stopped it there..
In July 2014 I decided to take a credit of 20000 Euros from bank and go for a big win…I lost that 20000 Euros within a month! I told my wife about that. She cried, but stood by me.
Few months later I took further 10000 Euros credit. I lost it all. Now I started hiding my gambling habbits from my wife. We were at end of 2014. I lost about 38000 Euro to online casinos.
My credit history became poor. I knew I won’t get any new credit. But u know what, I started to gamble with my monthly wages and losing most of the amount.
It was in January 2015 when I lost my months pay completely and I didn’t even have money to buy food for me and my wife and to pay the rent for our appartment. I started telling lies to her and my parents. My parents gave me 5000 Euros so that I can solve my financial problems. I gambled away 3000 Euros of them. I was soooo ashamed and felt suicidal.
In April 2015 I again lost my month’s pay in the hope of a big win. This time I told my wife that I lost it to gambling. She cried so much. I couldn’t hold my tears. We went to bank and took credit of 2000 Euros together to overcome the trouble.
She told me to promise her that I won’t EVER gamble again.
I wish I had stopped it there…
I continued to gamble with my pay checks and took money from her account and telling her some bloody lies…it went on and on for 2 years and we had 2017 now. I was gambling since 4 years hoping for a big win and losing it all.
In April 2017 we again took credit of 5000 Euros as I lied to my wife that I didn’t pay an old bill of mine. I played with that money. This time my luck turned around. I won about 30000 Euros. I could have paid back my old credit. But I lost that money within a month. I took further credit of 5000 Euros to try again but this time no luck and I lost it again.
In July 2017 we had some money in our saving account. We thought of using that money to buy a new sofa. We withdrew that money from our saving account but few days later I gambled that money away. I called my parents to help me out in buying a new sofa, so I took 2000 Euros secretly from them and bought a new sofa. My wife doesn’t know about that.
In November 2017 my wife wanted to go abroad with me to visit her parents. I kept some money aside for our vacation and I gambled that money away just before our vacation. I took credit of 1000 Euros from credit card and borrowed 1500 Euros from my mother so that I can take my wife to her parents.
Since then, to make it short, I keep playing with my wife’s money and emptying mine and her account. In March 2018 my father in law gifted my wife 6000 Euros. Am so cruel that I also gambled that away.
My wife wanted to do driving license. I took secretly 2500 Euros from my father to finance her driving license.
Recently I again borrowed 1000 Euros from my brother-in-law to overcome my last loss.
In my gambling life I won few times but I used to loose it all again. I have lost about 110000-120000 Euros in gambling. I kept gambling hoping for a big win which will solve all my problems. I tried to stop many times but had relapses. I had various sleepless nights. I thought of commiting suicide. I am suffering from depression. My wife doesn’t know that I was never able to stop gambling. She believed in all my lies. So much she loves me. So much I betrayed her.
Yes she deserves to know the truth. But I can’t take a risk to lose her. But before I die I will let her read this post…
The worst thing that can happen to you in casino is a win…i wish I would have never won that big amount. My life would have been much better without gambling. I would have had my own house. All my dreams would have come true…
Now I want to get rid of gambling. I dont want to lose anymore…I want to give my wife a better life…
My wife wants to have a child now. I want to fulfil her wish. I don’t know how I would deal with my debts, whether I would be able to give my kid a good life…
My huge debts forced me to gamble and try win money to solve my financial problems…but now I understand that gambling is not the solution…
Today is my day 3 without gambling…
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Im sorry you have found yourself in this situation but happy you have found this site.
I guess firstly you need to know that you will never win that money back……….EVER. No win is ever enough for the compulsive gambler, simple as that. Letting go of that loss is difficult, but necessary to move forward.
So what can you do now?
Finding this site is a great start. Read and post as much as you need to. Use the helpline, there are wonderful, helpful people there.
Is there a GA meeting in your area? You need support, and fast. Other compulsive gamblers supporting each other in a safe space.
I know you don’t want to tell your wife, but it seems to me that she needs to take control of all the finances at the moment. You cant be trusted with money. Tell her not to give you any access to money and if you need it you will ask her.
I did this with my husband and not only did it take a huge weight off my shoulders, it gave me some breathing space. Yes, she will be hurt, but our secrets keep us sick, and she will probably find out eventually.I know it all seems frightening, but hiding this addiction is not the answer.
At the end of the day the only person who can stop is you. Putting up barriers can really help. You can lead a gamble free life KC, its not an easy road, but it is one worth walking.
I look forward to hearing more from you,Take care, love K xx
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Welcome to the forum KC. Your first post could be a line in the sand. No more gambling. We have said that to ourselves many times. Truth is when we are in the middle of this addiction we can’t seem to stop ourselves. No win is big enough. We are addicted to the thrill of winning. Not the money that we take out. When we stop winning we chase that feeling. When we lose all our money chasing the feeling we then chase our losses trying to get them back. We cannot control ourselves!!
You have been brave in the past and told your wife and parents. You have been lucky that your wife continually forgave you. But there will come a day where she won’t. Where your gambling will cost her something she truly wants like a child. Or you won’t be able to provide for your child the way she would like. We really hurt the ones we love.
Kathryn is right! I too took the advice when I stopped gambling to give finances to someone I trusted to take care of. I was given a daily allowance for lunch etc. I had to provide receipts for purchases to show where any other requested money went. Such as gas or grocery shopping.
I also told family members NOT to lend me money. I chose to tell my sisters that I had a gambling problem and that was why I didn’t want any money. Because I would gamble it!! Or use it to cover my gambling tracks!!
You can have a good future. But you have to decide that you will put every effort into outsmarting your gambling brain. Because when it decides it wants to gamble if you haven’t taken measures it is hard to argue with it. It will tell you that you can win again just one more time. And the cycle will continue.
Find yourself some support. An addictions counselor, a Gamblers Anonymous group, the facilitated group chats here. It takes a lot to beat this. But your new life is worth the fight!
Keep posting.
take care,
Laura -
Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Hi KC,
Well done on looking for help. In reality your huge debts didn’t force you to gamble, your addiction did. Gambling is what caused the huge debts.
You are already getting some great advice. You keep emptying both your own and your wifes accounts? Then keep all the money in an account that you dan’t have access to. Speak to your relatives so that they don’t keep lending your money.
Get yourself excluded from where ever it is that you gamble.
You can stop gambling but it is a tough addiction – let us know what tough steps that you are going to take to start dealing wiht it.
Keep posting.
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Hi Kc, well done on getting back here.
When you say “……not gamble anymore, at least with not real money. …………” does that mean you were making pretend bets? Mind gambling? Playing “free” slots?
Things like that just tease the addiction. Better to starve it completely. How can you fill your time and thoughts with other nn gambling related things?
You were also able to deposit 2000 Euros? That is a lot of money to have access to at this stage. Can you put things in place so that you can’t easily access funds if/when you get an urge? Thge urges weaken if we can’t act on them. Talk to your wife, I am sure she can help you with accountability – when we know that if we gamble we will be found out then it is a big deterrent.
Keep posting.
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