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Hello Everyone,
I started a few threads in the past about my gambling free journey, and was really committed to stick to it. Unfortunately, I stopped posting, and kept gambling online losing my paychecks. My last paycheck actually went vey well, I got paid and then immediately transfered half to my online savings, and pulled half out to store in my safe at home. Having cash on me has not been a problem since I am excluded from every casino within 100 miles of here. Online casinos have become the bain of my existence, so any money not available to me directly helps trremendously. However, I got paid yesterday and made the mistake of not transferring fund immediately. On a good note, I did transfer rent money for next month, so that is taken care of, but I did end up blowing $900 on an online casino. I even won a lot of money, but as the old saying goes, “You can choose to play or not to play, but once you decide to play, then you don’t have a choice”. I lost everything I won, but there was an even worse side effect.
The whole time I was gambling, I had the most painful headache I have ever experienced. It is not uncommon for me to get migraines, but this was different. This was not a tension, outside the brain feeling headache. This pain was deep down in the middle of my brain where the reward system is. I’m almost certain that my brain was overloaded so much, that it was trying to kill itself. I felt dizzy, naucious, and light headed, and the worst part is I just kept playing. I am now convinced that if I continue to go down this path, then I will die. It felt like I was getting some kind of radiation sickness from playing online. For context, I played for about 6 hours.
I am “fortunate” enough to not have to hit rock bottom and really want to stop. I know things could get a lot worse, and I really don’t want them to. I am now going to go the extreme route and tell myself if I ever have thoughts about gambling in any form (lottery included), that my body will destroy itself if I decide to play (which seems true at this point). I have gambled for 15 years (I’m now 30), and I want nothing to do with it anymore. I make good money, am not in any financial trouble, but I can not out earn my stupidity, and I certainly can’t expose my body/brain to what I felt yesterday. I am feeling much better/normal today, but this is my Day 1 of complete cold turkey of gambling (lottery included). Gambling is the enemy from now on, it’s time to treat it as such. Take care everyone
–Nick
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Hi Nick, thanks for posting and sharing where you are coming from. I hope you continue to post to your journal so that you have a record of what you are feeling and going through. So many times I’ve read an old post and been surprised at how I was feeling or what I was doing. It reminds me that I’m willing to sink low. So yes Nick, even though you are currently financially stable, that will not last if you keep gambling. I love how you state you can’t out earn your stupidity! Very true when gambling. There is never enough. I gambled everything til there was nothing left but a big pile of debt. Gambling IS the enemy. And sometimes it will back away and fall silent but it is always there. Waiting for it’s opportunity to gain a foot hold again. Have you ever thought of putting a second name on that savings account? One that you have to go in to make a withdrawal with two people? Anything that reduces your access to money helps.
I wish you much success in ridding your life of this addiction. It is a silent killer. You deserve a much better life than what it will bring. If you think of placing a bet, play the tape to the end in your mind. Broke, destitute maybe, hating yourself, feeling very foolish. And let the urge pass. Take care!
Laura
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