My betting is all online slots, I am youngish, I am very logical and can rational how betting online (betting at all) is just handing buckets of money over to a corporation…

I can be calm and rational for every night except on one night a month (payday), I lose control.

It is like I leave my body, I sit next to myself and watch as I repeat a mistake that I know I will spend the next month kicking myself over.

Through the month, I and people around me ( who are someone superficially kind) build me up to then fall harder which leads to more regret.

Why if I get how it works, that all the features, free spins and promos are all leading to you losing more and that it leads everything spiralling, can I not snap out of it?!

About a year ago (6 months into my habit) I made the decision that my opinion on addicts ( which is what I am) was that maybe it was better not to be here than to be a drain on family, friends and and constant disappointment. I was logically thinking of things I needed to do before this happened and through some convincing, I started going to gambling anonymous as an effort to change. It was helping but I am not a public speaker and I have had more and more falls.

I fell HARD last night and now back in the same mind set as previously. I can’t work out why, if I am fairly smart and if in the last few months I have gone times without eating, embarrassing declining all social occasions and feeling the hell of the aftermath of a bet time and time again.. Why is it, that a year on.. I just can’t snap out of it… I think this has me beat.