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Hello, My name is Christy, I’m 42 years old and from Nevada. I work as a bartender at a casino In our small town.I’ve been a compulsive gambler since the first day that I went when I was 21 years old And I’m very honest about who I am and what I do.However, it doesn’t seem to help me. everyday it’s the same struggle. I wake up saying today I’m not going to gamble and everynight 10 minutes before I get off work it is all I can think about. Ive spent the last 21 years of my life screwing things up All because of gambling. I have become a social recluse and gambling quite literally Is almost all that I think about whether it’s what I’ve spent or what I’m going to spend or how much I need to go on my next run.I am 100% empty inside and I’m so much better than this, I know that I am.I keep trying to tell myself that I can have some kind of control that there is control inside of me, but I can’t seem to find it. So many times I’ve say there and wanted to not wake up in the morning, knowing it would be no big loss that i was no longer around any longer, but the simple truth is I never had the guts to go through with it. I feel that if I were to do something to myself, I would be punished in my next life (I believe there is one), and its keeps me from hurting myself, for now at least.
I’ve made $15,000 a year I’ve made $250,000 a year and either way it doesn’t seem to matter I gamble just as much, I just gamble in different amounts. As long as I’m playing I’m content. Anymore, its not fun I don’t get the same rush that I used to get now it’s a job ,Now it’s depressing, now $100 isn’t enough..I’m really not that religious But everyday I pray that God will give me the strength to walk away and not gamble tonight And every day I seem to fail . i’m about 2 weeks away from losing my Beautiful apartment that I’ve acquired . For the past few years. Since my kids have been gone I haven’t really cared much about anything and when I say that, I mean that nothing really matters anymore, but my apartment doors, I Iove it, still that isn’t enough. I feel I live for the purpose to lose money gambling and nothing can be done about it. I feel that I’ve told myself this for so long that I don’t even try to change. I don’t want to gamble anymore, i don’t want to lose the one thing i have left again, i don’t want to want to die, i don’t want to be on an emotional rollercoaster, i don’t want to live day to day and i don’t want to be alone and hopeless, but I .am.
I only have support at work, they all know what I do, I’m the first to tell… But after work there is no one. Most of my family thinks I’m a lost cause for gambling my whole life, they are constantly reminding me of all i have messed up over this. I’m not worth their time. I’m not always invited to holidays even and we live in the same town. On the occasions that I’ve tried to ask them to help me, supportive wise, they just get angry and tell me I’m a loser and i can control this, but the truth is, as much as it scares me, I can’t. There just is no support there.
After yet another sleepless night, I wandered across your forum and I wanted to see if it could help me. I’m desperate and hopeless. I
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Hi Christy,
I’m so glad you have found this site, welcome!
My name is Kathryn and I have been a compulsive gambler for the best part of 20 years. Since finding this forum over 6 years ago I have managed to stay gamble free. I am in no way cured, I will always be a compulsive gambler, I do however try an work on my recovery every day.
So, in saying that, I will give you some suggestions that have helped me!
I see you work at a casino. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be! Is there any way you can exclude yourself from the gaming area? I found exclusion to be such a great barrier.
Have you got anyone at all that can help you in terms of keeping tabs on your money, holding your bank cards, making you accountable for your spending? Most non compulsive gamblers don’t understand why we just can’t stop. In truth, if we could we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place!
Read…. And read and read the threads here, there is a world of advice, support and understanding. The helpline is amazing too, the people there can truly help you. Be open to the possibilities that you can manage this addiction, if you are willing to do what you need to. It’s not easy. I lost my house, my debt was out of control, i know that I was slowly killing myself. Slowly slowly things have got better.
You have taken a wonderful step coming here, it all starts with that. We are not responsible for our addiction, who in their right mind would have placed that first bet knowing what would happen? We are responsible for our recovery. In the end it’s up to you. You won’t be alone in this, we will walk the road with you. Keep reading, keep posting.
I look forward to reading more from you !
Take care, K x -
Hi Christy, I have been gambling for over 15 years. I work on my recovery daily. It’s a continuing process. No one who isn’t a CG can understand fully how we feel and how gambling controls our lives. Sorry that your family isn’t supportive Keep posting and reading other’s threads. I found GA meetings very helpful. Although they are not for everyone, maybe you could give it a try. You are not alone. We know where you are coming from. Stay strong.
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Hi Christy, well done on looking for help.
Nevada – lots of gambling for sure, the good news though is that lots of gambling tends to also mean lots of support when someone decides to stop. Someone else has already suggested GA meetings, check out your local ones.
Read the other stories here, you will see a lot of things you will be able to relate to, you will also see the sort of things that have helepd others to stop.
In the mornings, when you are determined not to gamble, you can then make the decision to remove the opportunity to gamble later in the day.
You work as a bartender? do you get fed at work? If so then is there any need for you to carry cash or and ATM cards with you when you leave home for work? If you don’t get fed at work then why not just have enough cash to buy your dinner? Better yet take sandwiches with you?
Now, you probably get tips. Again, you can put things in place. They know at work so you could have someone look after your tips for you. You could have a cash tin, with a slot in the top, put your tips in as you go along. leave the key at home and hey, at the end of your shift you ahve no money to gamble with.
Keep reading, keep posting, there are lots of things you can put in place. Let us know the positive steps you are going to take.
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Hi and welcome to this forum you are very courageous for admitting you are a gambler and for coming on here to find support.
My heart goes out to you, I have been in your shoes so many times, feeling empty and caring only about gambling.
No one is a lost cause, no matter what your family thinks. My family also shunned me, told me how much of a loser I am and how weak I am. How I chose to allow this to cripple me and I was not to be trusted. It is funny how people forget who we are the moment we do something they disapprove of. And I don’t blame them I hated myself too but it isn’t easy for people to think you can just snap your fingers and you will suddenly JUST STOP!The VERY first step is to want to stop or at least want to want to stop. At the moment I moved interstate and I don’t live close to the casino or any other places that gives me easy access to gamble. Of course I still need to be safe but it is easier to beat this thing when it is out of sight and out of mind. What I am saying to you is that you probably need to remove yourself from working in the casino. You are literally facing temptation everyday and not allowing yourself much grace to even have a shot at this.
You should reach out and check if their are is a local community group that helps gamblers. And make it harder for yourself to access money keep your bankcard at home and only take the cash you need for the day to work. That way if you are tempted you have the whole car ride to remind yourself that you can beat this. Every time you walk back in that place you are allowing yourself to die a little bit more inside.
God can give you the strength and help you but you need to want the help. It is time to rise, you are a powerful woman, who is capable of making amazing choices. You are only 42 so young and SO MUCH for to live for and do.
I believe in you, I stand with you and I will support you.
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