Someone told me its not about the money- which I believe to be true- I’m scared to find out what it is about…but I’m thinking its something to do with hiding feelings????  That kind of freaks me out.  I grew up sick in the hospital since I was 8 years old.  Lost a baby at age 19 (was full term), had my appendix rupture at age 12, was a child diabetic for 32 years until I had a heart attack at 40, open heart bipass and then a year later a kidney and pancreas transplant along with all sorts of other stuff.  I just turned 50.   I’m not trying to be negative, just stating the facts.  I have had multiple relationships and have had a challenging marriage now of 11 years to an alcoholic man who is good at heart, but that problem has had all its own issues (affairs, uncertainty, lonliness, feelings of no self worth- the list goes on).  The list of the effects of living with an alcoholic mimic that of ME, a gambler.  I feel no better than anyone else.  I actually feel like a loser.  AFter writing all this I feel like its time to just give up.  I’ve had to fight every moment of my life just to stay alive.  I’m strong but why am I so weak when it comes to gambling?  I want to cry and maybe I will.  As the tears fill my eyes all I can think about right now is going to sleep. — 3/9/2011 6:12:27 AM: post edited by Liz50.