Hi Barb, if you were gambling again than this is a a good place to come back to. Always takes a bit of courage to come back. Lots of truths and lots of advice. Hope you are still here reading 🙂
take care,
Laura

Originally posted by barb1953
" … what I hate I do."  

Good morning Barb,
It was good to see a post from you again even if the circumstance that brought you back were not so good for you. However your coming back to find the help and support that each of us need is a good thing. Coming back not necessary "with all your faults", but with becoming aware of the character traits that need to be addressed and that your addiction is feeding on — "INABILITY AND UNWILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT REALITY. Hence the escape into the dream (fun) world of gambling.", is the first characteristic trait of compulsive gamblers listed in the questions asked of this issue by Gamblers Anonymous in their guidelines of recovery.  You are not alone in your problem, and you are not alone in coming back after a return to gambling, of denying yourself of what you want to do by doing what you hate; you will not be judged, "we have "all come short" ~ Romans 2:23.
Not to be coy, but if you are finding that you are doing what you hate, turn the tables of your thoughts; start your recovery by hating it and hating your not being able to gamble, thereby finding yourself naturally doing something that you hate. We started gambling as entertainment and having fun; it then became a strong attraction and habit; and finally we crossed over to it being an addiction and way of life, doing something that we hated. Recovery is the opposite, we hate it at first; then it is a habit; and then it gradually becomes something that we want to do. This transition from hate to enjoyment takes time, but starts with the hate.
Recovery, the thing that we hate in the beginning, starts with us admitting and accepting that "we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable", and through your  working at progressing past that beginning and gambling becomes something that we no longer want to do, and during this process we also fine the addiction sending us off to gamble again, we need to realize that at that point  "if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin (my addiction) living in me that does it" ~ Romans 7:20. 
In recovery we also "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living" and we "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding". It is apparent that for you that HP is your God, use the strength and guidance that comes from your God and continue on you path of recovery, continue the transaction from hating recovery to the time that recovery will be a way of life and the benefits will be your enjoyment, a time that you will once again be you and not the person controlled by an addiction.
Forgive me for rambling on and if I came across as preaching or flaunting my attraction to GA, or if the above may seem confusing, but it is working for me in my progress, and most of what I post here, while born out of post like yours and is a reply to you, it is also addressed to myself and is something that I need to remind myself of.  "It works if you work it, it don’t if you don’t".
God’s speed. Stay strong.
p.s The Apostle Paul and his transition from Saul, a man on the wrong track, to a man doing what was right, is where I got my screen name.  Not relating myself to a Saint, but to the transition.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.