The last time i posted here from looking was my 21st birthday. I have a few posts dating back to 07 on the GA Scotland website and i have sat and had a read at them and i have just cried my eyes out reading them.
how much pain i was in from gambling and destroying my life! Why on earth did i forget all this and go back gambling? Why did i go back gambling knowing fine well that gambling has me beat! i cant win! even if i am winning im not happy. everything about gambling makes me angry and sad. Im 22 now and yet again im back to causing more pain and misery. its christmas on sunday and ive not got a gift for anyone, not even my parents who i love so much and they do so much for me! its pathetic.
Ive been gambling seriously since i was 17. 5 Years of my youth is ruined because i cant live a normal life without placing a bet. Ive tried GA and turned my back on it on a few occasions. and i can only say as long as i was in those meetings i never placed a bet. i enjoyed meetings and took pride in the fact i was dealing with it. i took pride in saying no, and took pride that if my friends went to bookies that id say no and sit in the car or go elsewhere. i took pride in saying no to playing football cards or even changing the channel when a gambling advert came on. I hated gambling, i knew it was bad for me. But why on earth have i destroyed everything again? why did i think i could go back gambling. im an absolute idiot.
I know i need help and support. Ive printed out the Gordon house application as i feel like this is the only way for me now. its the only way ill get my life back as nobody around me again will trust me. they will think that i have done everything before so it will only be a matter of time before i place a bet again. i know time heals wounds and i know in time il get trust back and i know i have to work to earn this. i just want a normal life. i want my life back. not the one im living. i dont want any part of that. i want my legs to stop shaking and i want to stop living inside my head, i want to stop having dreams about numbers on a stupid wheel and getting big wins. If i got a big win, it would never be enough. I seriously dont think 1million pound would be enough, id just gamble bigger and bigger. never will i win. but i do think theres a lot more too this. i need therapy and need to learn.
I really struggle with day to day life, i have no responsibility although id love some. I dont pay debts, i dont pay money i owe to people, i dont pay rent i dont pay for anything. in reality i work and i spend everything on gambling. i rarely treat myself. im lazy and have no ambition, im 22 and i have nooo clue what i want to do with my life and it really brings me down. i sometimes think i go into these places just to escape. i sit infront of these machines and i completely zone out, i sit there hitting “repeat bet” for sometimes hours and walk out when all money is lost and think to myself “what on earth just happened there”. Ive sat infront of those machines physically crying because i didnt want to gamble anymore and could not bring myself to get up and leave. Ive said this before but on many occasions ive said to myself that if i lose all my money today, that i would have to kill myself, and still kept betting rather than walking out and not having to feel like killing myself is the only option. I also have a big worry as when im gambling or im feeling down or depressed, i stop eating, i sleep for 14-16 hours a day. i turn night into day. im 6ft4 and weigh just under 11 stone. i look very thin. im gambling with my life.
I understand from the website, Gordon house is now roughly 14 weeks? Can anyone who has been in gordon house tell me what the days are like? how tough it is and how your families dealt with it? This is where i want to go. and breaking the news to my family after christmas. im 22 and all i have known since money has been in my life is un happiness. and its the same for my family, as soon as i turned 17 and could walk into bookmakers, there lifes havent been much better, having to deal with it. i have a lot to make up for to a lot of ppl. i need to change, not just stop gambling but as a person. Nobody thinks im a bad guy as such but if i think about it im a rubbish friend and an even worst son. It upsets me so much to think about how my mum and dad work so hard and this is how i repay them. they have given me everything. My mum and dad would honestly give me there last pound coin if i needed it! I dont want to spend the rest of there lifes making them miserable, having to deal with me. im 22, im not a baby anymore. i dont want that regret in my life. i dont want to look back in 50 years time and think how unhappy i made my parents and how much hell i put them through. i couldnt live with that because they are such wonderful people. Not only that i dont want to look at my youth and thing about how i ruined what should be the best years of my life. lifes too short for this game.
anyway this probably all sounds a bit mixed cause im just typing things that are coming into my head. sorry. i just hope that i can start posting more positive things about me feeling better in the future because right now i dont know wat to do. Residential care seems my best shot at a life.
thanks for listening and hope everyone is doing well